so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
