All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
