Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
