First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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