my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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