I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize