i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize