Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
