You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
