i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
