I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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