its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
