dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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