I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
