i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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