I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i wish my penis had a tongue
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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