I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
