I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
