i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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