there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
