My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
