One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
