I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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