I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
