i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize