The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
