I am spending my child support on dildos
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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