What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
