If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
