Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
