Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize