I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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