This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
