it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
