You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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