I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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