I hate all girls vehemently.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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