You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
