took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
