By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
