I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
