She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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