what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
