you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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