my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
