Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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