You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
