there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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