I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
