I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
