Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize