Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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