return my video game
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
