Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
