I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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